Navigating Racism Internally and in Intimate Spaces
As July 4th approaches, I cannot help but flashback to last year, when amidst the wrecking isolation of COVID and grief of the murder of George Floyd in the middle of an anxious election year, I found myself “celebrating independence” amidst a Trump boat rally. For years, I have been a conciliatory voice in so many rooms, arguing with my husband that he needs to have more respectful and placatory conversations with those who have opposing views. All of that somehow washed away from me for a few moments amidst that lake of Trump supporters.
In those moments, I just could not escape the raw truth of the situation: I, a brown woman, was physically living amongst people who were rallying behind a man who not only had proven fiscal and personal ties to white supremacists who openly espouse the violent eradication of non-white humans, but also situated himself proudly as a darling and leader of said supremacists.
While I understood that Trump’s association with white supremacy was something some of those supporters did not care for, it was also painfully clear to me that for them, it was not a deal breaker. In those moments, I could not help but scream silently to myself when that conciliatory voice in my head popped up. I had started to wonder if all these people were just angry that they were no longer immune to the poverty and related issues that they were once able to exclude themselves from via racism; furious they might have to ally themselves with people that they saw as historically less than them to overcome these things they never thought they would face.
Was I was not witnessing a group of people who were angrier at people of color for asserting our human rights than they were about the fact that their country has not made the requisite investments in infrastructure, education, environmental protections, healthcare and so on that would have grown a comfortable, integrated, and productive society for all? After all, here they were, screaming about “riots” and lamenting the audacity of those protesting the rampant murdering of innocents; all the while supporting an unqualified, racist, misogynistic, treasonous and ableist bigot instead of rallying for an alternative leader with whom, at the very least, family, neighbors, and friends like me were better protected from white supremacy whilst they continued to seek out leadership that would actually address the substance of their concerns.
I stood there understanding that for many, things like the tax rate, the cultural identity of voting conservative, the gross (but willful) ignorance and miseducation regarding the reality of state of affairs for people of color, especially BIPOC, were more of a driving factor for supporting Trump than a true desire to endanger me — but in that distinctive setting, I finally realized that this group thought I was too stupid to know what was good for me, and ultimately, that they valued all these other things more than my life and dignity. I realized then that I needed to recognize that I did not hold the kind of value to the people I was surrounded by that I had generously assigned them in those arguments with my husband. Something in me needed to change here.
And so, that weekend marked the commencement of a very long year for me, where I grappled and came to terms with a lot of my internalized racism and model-minority behavior. I started naming and acknowledging the real impact of racism not just for everyone else (which unsurprisingly, came far easier to me), but also for myself. I finally said aloud to myself that being non-white in USA, in general and especially during the Trump administration, has been a traumatic and isolating experience that I have never been able to turn off. Doing this was an extremely difficult act of self-love.
Most of us, I hope, understand overt racism (which acts as a gateway and cover for covert racism) and systemic racism pretty well in July, 2021. But the internal and intimate impacts are not so widely spoken about. Racism takes a toll on marriage, it causes pervasive stress that contributes to a myriad of health problems, not just in adulthood but starting in childhood — where we never learn the true history and systematic nature of our experience of colonization, genocide, slavery and all the other evils that were visited upon our ancestors, being taught instead a white-washed version of history and internalizing the message that our ancestors’ lives are not even worth learning the truth about, and that it was acceptable to sacrifice their humanity to build the world we live in today. This in turn predisposes us to tacitly accepting that same message about ourselves as it is bombarded to us externally.
Digging deeper into my identity as a person of color, into my history and the history of other Asians and BIPOC and into the lived realities of our lives in today’s world helped me reiterate my own humanity to myself and reject the status quo of incrementally devaluing myself and others that are not white. This has helped me be a better person and ally to others. And as a survivor of domestic violence, it has helped me better process that experience as well, because at a very reduced level, I have come to see facets of the experience of racism as analogous to peacefully living with a domestic abuser who you are fundamentally, genetically, and materially entrenched with that does not acknowledge their abuse or privilege. It has been an extremely difficult but fulfilling journey, and one that I am thankful to all the teachers, friends and strangers who have educated me in my life for preparing me to undertake.
However, like all journeys, this one has also had ups and downs. Many of my friends, family and colleagues already know this, but for the last several months I have been riding one of the more difficult downs of this path. It started when, emboldened by my learning and growth so far, I informed a group of people privately that their actions (and just as often, lack of actions) were insensitive towards me as a person of color and a non-US citizen living in USA, and explained some ways to avoid that reoccurring in the future. I did so politely but boldly, assuming that in 2021, post the explosion of resources shared in the spring/summer of 2020, that this message would be received with awareness and empathy.
While I did receive some empathy and awareness from the group, I was shocked to find that my message was received by some in a very hostile manner. I was immediately otherized by these members of the group, who chose to communicate directly with the sympathetic white people within the group, explaining to them using racially charged words that they were angry and hurt that I had insinuated they were racist. They shared that they felt they could no longer be in my presence without worrying that everything they say or do will be taken as racism on my part. The sympathetic individuals in turn asked me to apologize for causing inadvertent discomfort in order to make everyone comfortable enough that we could have a more substantive conversation and move past this.
At this point, I was quite bewildered and emotionally depleted. I was startled at the hostile reaction, and more startled that the sympathetic white people in the group were choosing to make me reconcile the group instead of educating each other and holding each other accountable. I was hurt, confused, and felt extremely isolated. I ended up choosing to apologize as requested, but immediately regretted it because all that did was open the door to an even more alarming and uneducated interaction.
I was immediately informed that despite the obvious anger I had caused, they were willing to be the bigger person, and was further told that I had no right to expect someone who does not share my experience to be sensitive or call them out on it in the way that I did, and that I needed to be willing to patiently educate them on racism on their terms first. It was also specified to me that only certain methods of communication surrounding these matters would be acceptable to them, regardless of what modality I am most comfortable with. They also attempted to shame me for opening up, stating that they never expected me to bring something like this up because they had always been decent and kind to me. I apologized multiple times during this call for any pain I might have inadvertently caused, but I never received an apology for the inadvertent discomfort that was caused to me by them and the group.
Leaving the second part of this conversation, I could barely believe the ground below me was solid. I was completely blown away. I spent the next several weeks doubting myself, experiencing traumatic reactions like insomnia, mood swings, body dysmorphia and social anxiety, cycling through fear and hope about a future with racial justice and just sinking into a deep emotional pit of disbelief.
I did not hear much from the group in the meantime, and it seemed that none of the sympathetic members had educated this member of the group internally even though I had complied with their requests to create the comfortable space in which they believed substantive conversations would be possible. In fact, I had to hear from the sympathetic individuals how difficult it was for them to cope with the fact that such an uneducated and hostile reaction could occur in this day and age. Eventually, in an effort to honor myself amidst the internal turmoil I was going through, I broke the ice and requested another conversation, sharing that the last one had not resolved the issue for me.
In this conversation, I clarified that the moments in which I asked for sensitivity were not inscrutable and stated that it was unfortunate that I had not received any apology for moments of insensitivity despite generously offering multiple apologies to make the situation more comfortable on my part. I also noted that it was inappropriate to make decency and kindness towards me contingent upon my silence. While this conversation went significantly better, they still managed to find a way to work in chastising me for not recognizing the unrelated anti-racist work the group does.
Regardless, I hoped that from here on there would be some work done to repair the relationship, like offering to talk more about it, reaching out in general, or any other gesture at all really — but that has not been forthcoming, and I suspect it is because they feel it was more traumatic for them to receive the news that their behaviors had made me uncomfortable than it was for me to endure the discomfort. It appears that I am ironically seen as the aggressor, not the victim in this situation, which is emblematic of racism in general.
Over the last few weeks and just in time for another US independence day (which I am spending in a safer place this year), the emotional roller-coaster of taking a concrete personal action against racism has lulled. I have gone from endless self-doubt, disbelief, anger, and confusion to a more clinical understanding of the situation. I have realized that I want to share my experience because it is important to let everyone going through the same thing know they are not alone as they navigate the experience of racism internally and interpersonally in private and intimate spaces. One of the things that helped me process this event was relentlessly googling articles and essays by other people of color who have gone through this, and I want to pay that forward.
I have been continuing to educate myself and working hard to understand why this experience took the toll on me that it did, emotionally and physically. I am accepting that I had a normal reaction to the situation. I have been able to learn how to better support myself as I continue to face racism in my life in big and small ways through this experience, and I have been able to understand that regardless of how uncomfortable and scary it has been, that I am doing everything I should be doing and that I have absolutely nothing to apologize for. If I stirred the pot, it is because the food at the bottom is about to burn and blight the entire meal.
It is July 4th, 2021 today. The truth is that I had every reason and right to expect the response to me sharing my experiences to be: “Thank you so much for bringing this up and I am so sorry that we’ve inadvertently been insensitive to you. White privilege is automatic and comes with ingrained racism- it is my responsibility to understand that and to not become defensive in these situations. Racism brings the entire community down, and we need to address it as soon as possible. I would love to speak to you about this more, but I am going to spend some time learning from other white people within this group how I can do better so that it is not on your shoulders to explain it to me, because that is not your job. White people invented and nurtured racism, so it falls on us to remove it. In the meantime, I hope you know that opening up about this has only brought us closer and made our relationship even stronger than before. I will always work hard to ensure that this is a safe space for you to discuss these matters.”
Expecting more from people is not delusional or premature on my part, or on the part of anyone else who is going through this journey right now. Please know I am here, I see you, I am with you, and I understand.